Imagine that you have a friend who is married and has two kids.
She's been struggling with her marriage, and one day, she tells you that she and her husband have separated.
She proceeds to tell you - in great detail - why her husband is 100% to blame for their failed relationship and why she has done everything right ... and nothing wrong.
You want to support your friend ... to listen to her pain, and be a safe person, and gently offer her advice ... but you also know that she's responsible for at least some of the problems in her marriage.
Here's your dilemma:
Do you become so empathetic that you side with her completely? ("You should never have married him, he's a selfish pig, and you deserve full custody of the children.")
Or do you share with her biblical principles of marriage? ("Marriage is for life, you lack biblical grounds for divorce, and the right counselor could help you both rekindle your old flame.")
As a pastor, I actually relished most forms of counseling ... all except marriage counseling. I discovered that:
*I rarely sensed I was getting the real story from either partner until the third or fifth or seventh session ... by which time one or both of them had already quit.
*I couldn't watch their real-life interaction at home (like Jo, the British nanny, did with parent-child situations on TV).
*I sometimes suspected that one partner was mostly responsible for the mess ... until I spoke with the other partner.
*I couldn't form an alliance with either one ... I had to be on the side of their marriage instead.
Now let's apply these ideas to conflicts at church.
*It's hard to get the real story about a conflict at times. If you talk to the pastor, you'll get one story ... and if you talk to the pastor's detractors, you'll hear another story.
It's okay to remain friends with one or both parties during a conflict. Just realize that if you only hear one side, you've chosen friends over principles ... and when you do that, you've lost all objectivity.
*It's unlikely you'll be able to watch any real life interaction between the pastor and his detractors. Most conflicts happen behind closed doors during board meetings or staff meetings ... or after those meetings in parking lots or corners of the church campus.
Most people - especially church leaders - are on their best behavior in public.
Because you can't witness any conflicts yourself, be careful about publicly taking sides just because one party is a better friend than the other. You can't be 100% certain you know what's happening.
*Be careful about blaming everything on one party ... usually the one you like least.
This is a trap.
I have been a Los Angeles Lakers fan for almost 50 years. While I deplore their recent trend toward thuggery, I remain a loyal adherent of the team.
Sometimes I'll watch a game, and I'll see a player on the Lakers take an elbow or a punch from an opposing player ... and my first reaction is, "Throw that guy out, ref!"
Then the TV people show the replay, and I'll notice that my guy threw the first elbow, or pushed his opponent hard, or was guilty of a flagrant foul ... or flopped unnecessarily.
I love my team, but come on ... sometimes both parties are guilty ... although one may bear more responsibility than the other.
Wouldn't it be great to have instant replay in church settings?
*Instead of backing one party 100%, isn't it better to be on the side of truth and righteousness?
So let's say you're in a church, and a conflict breaks out between the pastor and a small group of detractors.
Resolve that:
*because you don't know the full story, and ...
*you can't witness their interactions (or lack thereof) ...
*you won't blame the conflict totally on one party, and ...
*you will lobby for the truth to emerge and for righteousness to prevail.
If someone tries to draft you to be on their side in a conflict, simply state:
"I love all the parties involved and wish them well. But I really don't know the full truth about this conflict, so I'm not going to take sides at this time. Instead, I will take the side of truth and righteousness, and I will suspend final judgment until I have all the facts."
We all want to be loyal companions, but sometimes ... as Jesus reminds us ... we need to risk appearing disloyal to our loved ones so we can be loyal to greater principles.
I once witnessed a major conflict involving a pastor where sides were quickly chosen up. You were either for the pastor or against him ... there was no middle ground.
I did my best to point people to biblical truth during the whole sad situation. While I had feelings about what was happening, I tried to be an advocate for higher principles ... even though some of my friends wanted me to take their side.
Once we choose sides, we want to win ... and we want the other side to lose.
There are times when one side is clearly in the wrong and the other is clearly in the right ... but even then, we want to make decisions on the basis of principles, not personalities.
How do you feel about this issue?
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